Truth in Love

Every bit of wisdom and truth about people and how to be with each other comes from God. Every valid and accurate scientific finding from neuroscience, social psychology, human development, and other aspects of research on humanity is rooted in God’s wisdom, revealed by Him. Whether He is acknowledged as the source is immaterial, it is still from God. It is only the foolish who deny it.

Sometimes we don’t recognize God’s truth in these findings and how they are used because the Bible uses different words. Nonetheless, it is all through His word, the Source of all creation. All of humanity’s amazing discoveries are the revelation of God’s truth and wisdom, His holy knowledge and ability given as gifts to us. Social scientists and relationship experts may think they have come up with these principles but any truth revealing wisdom about how we are to relate with others He has already stated.

We Christians ought to be the experts in how to relate with one another but clearly, we are not very good at it! We have not been perfected in our walk nor has He revealed the vastness of His knowledge of us and the universe. But we are on the path and willing. One useful example is the skill of assertiveness, a most valuable skill for people to have. God is our expert, our model, and He talks about assertiveness as “speaking the truth in love.”

“…speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ Himself, who is the head.

From Him the whole body, fitted and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love through the work of each individual part.” Ephesians 4:15-16 Berean

Love is the principle thing in the lives of all Christians. It covers all and never fails. So when we have to assert ourselves with others, we can count on God enabling us to do so in love. Truth alone can be hurtful when it should build up the body effectively. There are many times when the power of truth is necessary for being able to grow together, when shared in God’s love.

This truth is in the power of God’s word that corrects all of us:

“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Ephesians 4: 12 KJV

God’s truth has no deceit in it when it is spoken from a heart without guile. Humans do rely on much more than words to understand what is being communicated. Nonverbal communication encompasses a diverse range of signals such as facial expressions, body language, and vocal nuances like tone and rhythm. We can speak many words to one another, but nearly every culture, to varying degrees, relies on what is not spoken.

To be sure, what is in the heart will come out, exposed to others even when we are trying to hide it. All words, our verbal communication, are housed in subtle, nonverbal cues that provide critical meaning from the heart. The smile seems to hold a universal meaning but can be altered to communicate a different message than what we usually associate with a smile. The lips may be stretched in the same way, but if the eyes are cold and the expression closed, humans are wired to pick up the underlying thoughts, feelings and emotions—all those soul messages—hidden behind it.

“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, and slander.” Matthew 15:19 Berean

Thus it is that God desires a people without guile, speaking the truth in love without dissembling. So many Christians behave as if our faith depends on rules and laws, when Christ came to fulfill the law, not have us try and fail to do so. If we follow all the dictates we are encouraged, even directed to do with only our fleshly human behavior and interactions, without the right attitude and motive for each, there is little difference with us from those around us.

We are to be different, distinct, a unique holy people called by the name of our Lord. The writer of Romans exhorts Christians to do many things, but always with the correct, godly attitude of heart:

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:6-18 NIV

Do you see the attitudes with which we are to conduct our affairs, most especially in the Body of Christ? If we cannot do it with other believers, from a pure heart made clean by God, we are not going to show this to those who do not know and love our Lord like we do. Look past the “dos and don’ts” in the above passages to the qualities of love we are to have in the doing.

Because of God’s grace, His unmerited, unearned favor toward us, we are to behave with others with generosity, diligence, gleefully merciful (!), fondly affectionate, honoring others, diligent, fervent, enduring and persevering in expectation, pursuing hospitality, rejoicing and lamenting with others who are doing the same, in humility and egality, pursuing peace with all men as much as God makes possible within us. What a word!

God always, always looks at the heart, and if these motives, these attitudes are not present behind our words and behaviors, they are hollow and without merit. Knowledge alone just puffs our flesh up, making is prideful rather than humble. Paul says:

“ If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction].

And if I have the gift of prophecy [and speak a new message from God to the people], and understand all mysteries, and [possess] all knowledge; and if I have all [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love [reaching out to others], I am nothing.

If I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body [b]to be burned, but do not have love, it does me no good at all.” 1 Corinthians 13;1-3 NIV

To put it bluntly, what is spoken and done without love is a waste of time, no matter how dedicated and religious one may appear. Doing for God is not the way, doing in love is! Oh how much of our religious activity is just that, done to please men or even thinking to please God when our hearts are so very far from Him and His ways. It is not the doing, but the being that God is working within us. He works to create in us a clean heart that David asked God for in the Psalms, changing us from glory to glory into who He created us to be.

It is a long path and we all fall short, but, with Paul, we pursue after that prize of the high calling, to be found like Him. Do you think Jesus ever spoke without truth and love in His word, even those blunt, corrective words He used to chastise the religious leaders of His time? In the passage from Romans 12, verse 9, above, love must be genuine and sincere, not fake or shallow. Even animals sense when there is authentic love being extended to them. They don’t know our words, but they quickly pick up the attitude of our hearts toward them.

And so do children! Years ago, I was correcting our young son, around age 3 or 4, and Chris sadly said to me, “Why are you being mean to me when I am not being mean to you?” Out of the mouths of babes! I had corrected him with sharp, unkind words and his sensitive spirit picked that up. It’s significant that he focused much more on the attitude of my heart than the correction to his behavior I was attempting to provide.

It is not that much different with us adults. We miss the main message entirely when it is given in a harsh, impatient, and unkind tone of voice, negative expression, and unloving attitude of the heart. It’s also discouraging and disheartening to be corrected or chastised in this way. This is far from what the Lord told us in so very many places in His word. We need correction that comes from our sisters and brothers that God brings, cutting away the darkness of our soul and all its error. When it is required, may it be shared in a way that we can hear, understand, and change our minds—repenting of what misses the mark.

Our mind, will, and emotions are revealed as the holy spirit exposes the thoughts and intents of our hearts. We are to build each other up in love as we speak God’s word to one another. Speaking words with loving intent is God’s standard for us in Christian relationships. We learn to speak truth with kind and gentle intentions, from pure motives, in order to edify, to build one another up. God’s truth does not have to be thundered intensely from the heavens, nor delivered with agitation rather than peace:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Ephesians 4:29 NIV

The need for assertion in human relationships occurs when there are misunderstandings, confusion, or offenses that must be addressed for love to thrive. Standing up for your rights and not being taken advantage of is one definition of being assertive. But what is “standing up for your rights” for Christian taught to turn the other cheek? It does not mean vigorously defending ourselves or going to great lengths to explain what we did or why we are in the right.

For believers, the ultimate is to be led by the holy spirit in what we say and do. His spirit is never wrong, but our ability to led by it surely can be! The holy spirit leads us to communicate what we want and need in a clear fashion, respecting our own rights and feelings while respecting the rights and feelings of others. My spiritual mother, Rev. Maxine Plowman, once told me “You do not have to lie down and ‘play rug’ to the devil!” Passivity was not Jesus’ nature, though men misunderstood His refusal to defend Himself as such.

Christians are strong in godliness, allowed to set limits with others where necessary. God has limits, things he does not tolerate, ever. Such it is with us. Godly assertion is truth in love put into action. The Concordant Literal translates the Ephesians passage about truth in love in the following way, following Paul’s urging to attain the unity of the faith unto maturity:

“Now, being true, in love we should be making all grow into Him, Who is the Head—Christ—out of Whom the entire body, being articulated togehter and united through every assimilation of the supply, in accord with the operation in measure of each one’s part, is making for the growth of the body, for the upbuilding of itself in love.” Ephesians 4:15-16 Concordant Literal

There is no further, deeper original Greek translation for “truth” and “love”, both foundational to our faith. Assertiveness among Christians is needed when we are led to speak up, clarify, set limits, or further educate another when there are misunderstandings that cause harm. In common culture, being assertive can be is self-serving, but when we are led by the holy spirit, it is about speaking truth in love to edify, build up another in this most holy faith.

And did you know God needs no defense? Often when I thought I was speaking up for God, I was only defending my own position, clarifying who I am, rather than speaking the truth in love as directed by His spirit. There may or may not have been a heart prepared to hear what I was saying. Speaking as God leads has power to change things, rather than empty words leading to arguments. We do have to be true to what we know about God and what is in our own hearts.

Then, as led by the holy spirit, in love, we do say and do what is needed. It is for the purpose of growing in Him, not out of concern for our own reputation in the eyes of man. Self-righteously justifying ourselves by saying, “Well it’s the truth,” does not qualify as edifying our brothers and sisters in Christ! Through these words of Paul’s and other scripture, God has joined truth and love so they are inseparable, united as His standard of righteous communication.

As with all of God’s creation, there is balance here. Too much love, and there are no limits, a sure way to spoil a child! Too much truth, without love, and the ears shut down, hearing what is in the heart—judgment, condemnation, even disgust and contempt—rather than the truth of what is said. An aggressive response comes out when our hearts are angry, leading to an attack on the other’s person, rather than the words or behavior that caused issues to arise.

And some of us stuff our anger down, only to have it eventually erupt another way, including harm to our bodies. Passive responses, not saying anything, often evolve into passive agressive behavior. Our true feelings leak out in tone of voice, expression and how we interact. Watch a child who is told to go to bed and does not want to. They drag their feet, inching their way to obedience.

Such a child knows he or she has to do as told, but the heart is unwilling. This can eventually erupt into behavior that punishes, an intent of getting back at those in authority resulting in subtle disobedience emerging later. Mere outer obedience to God’s commands, particularly out of fear, will never please Him. It’s a start but without faith, we cannot please God. Paul talks about this progression from outer compliance to a heart of faith:

“In fact, the Law was to be our teacher until Christ came. Then we could have faith and be acceptable to God.

But once a person has learned to have faith, there is no more need to have the Law as a teacher. All of you are God's children because of your faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:24-26 CEV

When raising children, we appreciate a child being obedient, but most of us appreciate even more when a child actually wants to obey us, to please us out of love and respect, not fear of punishment and loss of love. That works but only temporarily, until a heart to obey is created within. Just so, the law works as our teacher until Christ comes within us. Then what we do stems from faith, without which we cannot please God.

Oh how we err when withholding love for another until they do what we want, child or adult. This is not God’s way! If it were so, none of us would ever be loved by our Father through His son, Jesus Christ. Can we remember that He died for us and rose again to redeem us back to Himself before we could ever please Him? Fear is a most powerful motivator, but, despite those preaching fear and torment to come, it is not what God uses.

Humans seeking power use fear all the time, and the ultimate power is of fear of death—effective but most costly. Look at any dictator in our present world, and you will see how the fear of death is the ultimate means by which they seek to remain in control. They may pretend to themselves and others that they are loved and revered, but without the use of cruelty and punishment, they lose their position at the top.

Fear is a strong opposition to love and yet Christian leaders have used messages of fear throughout the centuries to gain obedience to God in their followers. How much fruit has resulted from this, given the world is far from reaped after centuries of fear-based ministries? Listen to what God says about fear:

“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8 KJV

What an interesting, significant, even surprising sequence of these words! Fear comes first and is fully connected with unbelief, the exact reason the Israelites of old could not enter in. All the other words, behaviors that we Christians surely condemn, come after that. The first requirement is to come in faith, trusting that God loves us and gave His life for us. The apostle John affirms:

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18 ESV

Perfect means complete, so fear is a sign that we are not yet complete in our love for God. God’s love is already perfect, having the correct balance between truth and love. It is our love of God that shows lack when we fear, not His toward us. Our fear for our lives, our future, our world, reveals the shortfall of our trust in God, coming directly from unbelief. We all fall short of this, though some cover their fear by anger. Yet God says we cannot be perfected, cannot enter in where fear is present.

Love swallows up fear:

“Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for the one who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the Law. For this, ‘You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,’and if there is any other commandment, it is summed up in this saying, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”’Love does no wrong to a neighbor;

therefore love is the fulfillment of the Law.” Romans 13:8-10 NASB

Here we have it, as clear as it can be: love must be our motive. Note that it is to be the same love we have for ourselves. Here is the balance in God’s pure, sincere love: we love others as we love ourselves. Even when we are loving but miss the mark out of ignorance or even foolishness, the Lord honors the motives of our hearts, covering our sin until we learn more, know more, realize His ways in matters before us. His perfect love makes no demands, drawing us to Him in love, not fear. Awe and respect, yes, but fear from mistrust and unbelief..no. That is not God.

Just as with little children whose parents are teaching them how to live in this world, Father God is teaching us, His children, how to do so. It starts with obedience when we do not understand what He is doing or, sometimes, disagree with it. Our Lord Jesus Christ, speaking to the religious leaders in opposition to His ministry, gave this parable as an illustration:

“But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, ‘Son, go work today in the vineyard.’ And he answered, ‘I will not’; but afterward he regretted it and went.

The man came to the second and said the same thing; and he answered, ‘I will, sir’; but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?’ They said, ‘The first.’

Jesus said to them, ‘Truly I say to you that the tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the kingdom of God before you.’” Matthew 21:28-31 NASB

There is no use pretending to God that we are obedient, willing to surrender our will to His, if we are not. But He is able to change our hearts as we yield our will to His. The first son did so and the Father was pleased, The second son gave the appearance of obedience, but his heart was not in it and disobedience followed. When we are to speak truth in love to another, our words and behaviors should match, be parallel. Truth is to be lived, not just spoken about, and unbelievers note the difference.

We are still under the refining hand of the Lord to have this accomplished within us. He is able to change us from unwillingness to willingness. It is best to be honest with God—He already knows—that we do not want to do what we know He wants us to. Submission and time works that willingness so that we are enabled by Him to do all He directs us to do that will bring delight to Him:

“ So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure.

Do all things without complaining or arguments; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding firmly the word of life, so that on the day of Christ I can take pride because I did not run in vain nor labor in vain.” Philippians 2:12-15 NASB

Such fear of God is not fear of punishment, but of failing to please Him so as to bring Him delight. As our love of God is perfected, our errors in pleasing the Lord more deeply grieve us. We have a healthy fear of not carrying our own salvation into reality, that it may be seen in this world of darkness. We desire more and more to become the Living Truth as the Christ resides within us. Speaking the Truth, in Love, means fully being and doing as He would in the earth. Jesus said:

“For I did not speak on my own, but the Father who sent me commanded me to say all that I have spoken.” John 12:49 NIV

Do we want to be fully like our Saviour? Then we must be under the instruction of the Holy spirit, minute by minute, hour by hour, day into year into eternity. Then we shall speak the truth in love always, only speaking what the Father tells us to say. What a reconciliation this is!