Forgiveness
“Justice and judgment are the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth shall go before thy face.” Psalms 89:14 NKJV
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone.” Matthew 23:23 NKJV
So much in life necessitates the ability to forgive and move on. If you desire peace in your heart, it is essentail that you clear it of hurt and resentment, anger and bitterness. And yet, it can be so very difficult. There is much misunderstanding of what forgiveness is. It is much more than merely saying “I’m sorry.” God will teach us about forgiving, if we are willing, as we learn to walk intimately with Him.
God is our example and His compassion never fails. His judgments are always right, providing perfect justice and perfect mercy. He is the Perfect Father. We may know earthly fathers who fell short of our perfect Father, but if you were blessed with a godly, wise and merciful earthly father, you easily connect and trust your Heavenly Father. Others without a strong earthly example need to learn of Father God’s nature of love and mercy .Those who suffer because of their imperfect earthly fathers – whom they can see –are more greatly challenged in trusting an unseen heavenly Father.
Our God is more than able to bring wholeness to our hearts in any way He chooses. God is the healer of hearts, the only One able to make everything right within. Wounds created by all of us imperfect parents and others in authority over us are brought to the Father for healing, for release from the past. All can be forgiven in Him: wounds from siblings, friends, teachers, neighbors, and many others who have significance in our lives, and in a child’s life.
Those of us with siblings might recall the bitterness of being punished and held accountable for a sibling’s behavior and choices. Some of us were unjustly accused of wrongdoing or held accountable for a younger sibling’s behavior because we are “older” or “know better.” Others are unfairly treated with mistrust because another sibling did things that created such attitudes in our caregivers. How it can burn to be unfairly judged, mistreated or restricted because of another’s choices!
There are many long-held divisions and conflicts in families because of past unfair and unjust treatment in the eyes of those at the time. These situations involve our inability not only to forgive but to forget what others have done to us or those we love. But our God forgives and forgets. He said so:
“I, I alone, am the one who wipes out your wrongdoings for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25 NASB
Many other scriptures reference this forgetfulness God applies toward our past sins and failures. He is not bringing the past up to us, throwing our mistakes and shortcomings repeatedly at us or reminding us of our failure and shame. It’s our own hearts that condemn us or others, with thoughts in our mind, fed by the devil, that enemy of our souls:
“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.” 1 John 3:20-21 KJV
Forgiveness is a subject about which we Christians should excel, given the basis of our faith is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for the express purpose of forgiveness. Instead, there is foundresistance, denial, confusion, and lack of application of God’s principles of forgiveness throughout Christian communities. Forgiveness is talked about but the fruit of unforgiveness remains visible in and around many of God’s own. Many Christians reveal by words and behavior that forgiveness is misunderstood, misapplied, obviously not present nor practiced in their lives, leaving multitudes in turmoil within and without.
Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time decision. It requires deciding to forgive, of course, but that decision does not necessarily change the heart. This first step is submitting our will to God’s standard, deciding to forgive in obedience to God’s directive. We should know that God commands forgiveness but what brings forgiveness about in our stubborn hearts? And what would God have us do when we are the ones needing forgiveness? Where do we start when this is God’s standard but it does not come easy nor is yet written within our hearts so we may obey it?
What if we, along with multitudes through the centuries, are asked to forgive the unforgivable? We marvel at the accounts of saints who have done just that, modeling themselves after Jesus Christ forgiving His enemies from His cross of death. They knew not what they were doing, but Jesus knew they were fulfilling scripture, completing the work of God. They thought to do evil and harm, but instead, accomplished for God the greatest change in human history!
We cannot successfully make ourselves forgive nor can we make another forgive us by merely asking for it. There is really no substitute for God in situations requiring forgiveness to heal. There is no human formula to clean the heart of anger and bitterness, resentment and vengeful thoughts. God will not try us beyond what we can bear but there are multiple circumstances that are unforgivable to the human heart. He has to make a way—and He does.
We may arrive at an acceptance of what happened, but only God takes the burden of anger, hurt, and devastation from the heart. Determining in our hearts to obey God’s teachings about forgiveness is the essential first step. This is the beginning of wisdom, knowing that we need to align our will with God’s word. Then we wait upon the Lord to work forgiveness in our souls so that our mind (thoughts), will (determination), and emotions (contrary to God’s loving mercy) aligns with God’s will. He is then writing His forgiveness on our hearts.
Children do need to be taught about forgiveness. Perhaps you were taught – or forced – to say “I’m sorry” by parents or caregivers.Many a child has been directed to sit knee to knee with their sibling until both are truly sorry—at least about having to sit there looking at each other! As a child grows, however, they need to learn how the Lord works to truly make their words sincerely and deeply felt in the heart. It’s easy for some tenderhearted little ones, but others are made of strong, stubborn stuff and need more support and guidance in this process.
For some, the words “I’m sorry,” have been too casually used, becoming meaningless or even a mockery. Saying a casual “sorry” just does not resonate with many. We are looking for more than hollow words coming from an insincere heart. As Christians, we are called to forgive without restriction, including whether the other person is truly sorry or not. God never told us to forgive only when the other one is truly sorry. Their heart is their responsibility to God, not ours.
When we are the offenders, it’s much more powerful to do our part in making amends by saying, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” Children as well as adults can learn to humble themselves to ask for forgiveness and do what they can, if possible, to make amends. This teaches the offender to take responsibility for their behavior, foundational for any good relationship. We can do this regardless of whether we intended to offend or not.
There are requirements for sustaining healthy relationships, within families especially, and this is one of the building blocks. Asking for forgiveness leaves the repair and reconciliation to the heart of the offended one. Visualize the offender saying sorry and asking for forgiveness as metaphorically extending their hand to the offended one. It’s then up the the person who got offended to “extend the hand,” back by granting a heart change of forgiveness as requested. Often the offended one finds a release in just acknowledging that they are willing to forgive.
When we offend someone and offer amends like this, we are able to have peace. We have done what God requires and are free of further distress or shame about it. If the relationship is no longer, we may never know whether someone actually forgives us, but Jesus knows. We can even ask for this repair to be done by Jesus with those who have passed on. He can convey that message to comfort our hearts though it may be, being in the spirit, they already know we are truly sorry!
Even when we are actually right in the matter under contention, we may ask forgiveness for wrong attitudes, harsh and judgmental words, impatience and a host of other soulish factors that bring wounds and offense. The key here is to prioritize the relationship over being right. Many relationships become unrepairable because one or both people in the conflict continue to insist on their position in the argument. They’ve lost sight of the higher purpose of relationship repair or conflict resolution that true love and commitment require.
What about when we’ve been hurt or offended by another and we are struggling to forgive? It surely helps if we have witnessed an excellent example in someone who shows the ability to ask for and receive forgiveness. But some will need to learn from the Lord what they were not shown or taught this by others. A child feels very helpless when they have upset a parent or caregiver, while denied any way to make amends. It’s a burden in their hearts, particularly when love is withheld because of it or punishment for wrongdoing continues.
Some Christians have this challenge with God. God surely holds us accountable for our part in the cycles of conflict so common in intimate relationships. But He does not hold grudges, nor does He ever, ever withdraw His love from us. Blame is a very human, but wasted, man-made emotion. After all, when you have decided who is to blame, what does it get you? You still have to deal with the situation.
Blame involves condemnation and judgment of the person—“You are bad,” rather than “What you did is bad.” The motive of the heart in a blamer may be a desire to feel superior, better than the other who is the “bad” one. to project responsibility for error and wrongdoing unto another. This is in contrast to mature acceptancc of one’s own responsibility while expecting others to be accountable for their own behavior.
We are responsible for what we do. Human relationships are interactions, however, in which it can be challenging, if not a waste of time, to figure out “who started it”! We learn in childhood to insist it’s the other one who fueled the flames— and sometimes it is. Pointing the finger comes easily to us humans. Ultimately, however, we have no control over another’s behavior or choices. We may influence them one way or another but we cannot make them change.
This “blame game” shows up early in the Bible:
“But the Lord God called out to the man, ‘Where are you?’ ‘I heard Your voice in the garden,’ he replied, ‘and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.’ ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ asked the Lord God. ‘Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’
And the man answered, ‘The woman whom You gave me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Genesis 3:9-12 Berean
And here we have it. Our forefather, Adam, blames His wife and even, indirectly, God. Do you hear the accusation in “That woman You gave me…”? Other human husbands have likely uttered these same words! Adam ate of the fruit because he loved Eve more than the commandment of God. Eve was deceived, but Adam was not. He chose Eve over obedience and this continues to occur in relationships today.
Yet these scriptures have been used against women by Christians who still blame Eve for the downfall into sin that began with this act in the Garden of Eden. Well, not me! I was angry at both Adam and Eve! After all, they got us into this mess of humanity. Look at all the death and torment that has followed their decisions! But God wasn’t caught unprepared for this. Not for a moment was He wringing His hands and wondering what He needed to do now. He created us this way:
“For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of Him who hath subjected the same in hope…” Romans 8:20 KJV
God knew all along that Adam was not His finished work. He had a plan from the foundation of the world to supply a Savior in Jesus Christ to meet the need. But what a bummer to learn that God’s focus is on us, not the other person, regardless of who started it or who we’d like to blame. He deals with our actions and reactions, the attitudes and intents of our hearts. He sees it all.
It is much more pleasant to blame than to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions before God. This does not mean that He withholds whispers of compassionate love, providing comfort when life is unfair and we are deeply wounded because of it. However, even when we are convinced that we are blameless, God shines the light of His Holy Spirit into our hearts to be accountable for our reactions. Indeed, it is not what happens to us, but how we react to it that causes stress and disturbance. It is in the attitude of our hearts.
His spirit consistently whispers in our hearts to direct us to first examine our own hearts to understand what part of any issue might be something He would change within us. After all, it’s the only aspect of any conflict that we can control. We might choose to do that immediately or decide instead to waste time in self-pity and anger, accusing the other, building resentment or bitterness, and even seeking the sympathy of others for our struggles.
Of course, the support of wise and comforting friends is helpful, but we do not need a chorus of “Poor you, how could they,..” We humans can always justify our own actions in our own minds, even if we’re not verbalizing it to others.
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs the hearts.” Proverbs 21:2 KJV
To complete the process of forgiveness as God directs, we must move past the “blame game” at which children are experts. We are enabled to grow up, to mature sufficiently enough to let go of the issue with the other person. We do not need to complain about it to others, or, perhaps the most difficult, internally rehearse it within ourselves. If we indulge in such internal rehearsals, we are creating a negative, blaming “rut’” of woundedness, even bitterness, in our minds that becomes more and more entrenched and difficult to dislodge.
Sometimes He even grants understanding of the other person’s wounded and damaged heart to increase our compassion. Wounded people wound people. God brings healing. This teaches us what God’s priority is in each situation: to redeem mankind in (not necessarily out of) every circumstance. When we have done no wrong, but are unjustly accused, we are sharing in the suffering of Christ, as we are bid to do by the great Apostle Paul.
Even if no personal wrongdoing is revealed by the Lord, He is faithful and just to work a willingness and completion of forgiveness. Jesus Christ surely knows about being unjustly accused!
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.” NASB
The Amplified Bible states it even more beautifully:
"‘No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word—He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist],
but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].” 1 Corinthians 10:13 Amplified
Yes, God always provides a way of escape, primarily through the spirit, as it is the spiritual battles in our hearts that we are to conquer. Teaching about the process of forgiveness is one of the most valuable lessons we can share with our children. We all have many opportunities in this life to exercise our spiritual forgiveness “muscles.”
The cost to a person who cannot or refuses to forgive is considerable. When we hold on to unforgiveness, we pay a price for such resentments. We may think we are protecting ourselves from further harm by our own efforts but it’s easy to see that this does not work! There are troubles in this life and none of us, God being no respecter of persons, are exempt from it. We are guaranteed to need to learn to forgive, ideally as we have been forgiven. We need to understand that God absolutely expects this of us.
Some resist forgiveness because they erroneously believe it is somehow condoning what the other did, that forgiving the other for what happened is saying it is okay and acceptable. Think about it, however: it makes no sense to forgive something that you are saying was okay. Forgiveness only is needed when there has been an offense done. Nothing can make it okay after this happens, because it was wrong, at the very least in the eyes of the offended. This misconception often stems from trying to control our interactions, to protect ourselves from further hurt rather than yielding them to God.
We know Christians who refuse to forgive as a way to punish the other, using silence, anger, withdrawal or reminders of the offense, including withholding love and favor. Believing somehow the other person is being punished by our ongoing resentment, bitterness, or vengeful punishing thoughts and behaviors is a deception! We pay the price for bearing this about in our souls and in our bodies. Bitterness shows up in the body in many ways, costing not only peace of mind but physical health.
God says it’s His business, not ours, to handle offenses, including any vengeance that might be applied. His vengeance is quite different than ours is, as He is a loving God, not a vengeful, angry heavenly Father. True surrender to the Lord involves trusting Him to deal with others and the problematic behaviors they do that cause our wounds. In this life, we are going to have wounds, in fact, those very wounds can heal us, just as they did for Jesus.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 NKJV
If you want to talk about what happened with Someone who understands being unfairly punished, talk to Jesus Christ. Our Lord lived such a life, and He allows many of us to join Him in such unearned suffering. He works within us to uncover wrong attitudes and beliefs in our hearts, including wanting to be right, justified in the eyes of others, or just feeling good about staying angry!
Many, many suffering people experience conflict, loss of hope, loneliness, and depression when in a relationship with someone harsh and unforgiving, someone who sets unrelenting standards for the behavior of others without applying it to themselves. There are far too many Christians who are miserably hanging on to and even rehearsing the wrongs that have been done to them. They repeatedly feed the seed of offense with continual focus, even gathering further evidence of the injustice of what happened, allowing it to grow deep roots within their hearts.
This can only lead to a root of bitterness which defiles many:
“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled…” Hebrews 12;15 NASB
Bitterness is a poison that can easily be shared by being around someone bitter. It is so very easy to “catch.” Have you ever been with someone bitter and afterwards, you feel sick? It is that poisonous atmosphere, that bitter, hurt spirit you have picked up from them as they unwittingly “defile many.” This person spreads their problems while seldom having any positive impact on change in others.
The truth is, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. An old quote, attributed to many sources, states a truth: “Bitterness is like drinking a vial of poison and expecting it to harm the other person, You're not hurting them, only yourself.” Telling your story over and over of how you were harmed, dwelling on such thoughts over time, goes beyond not bringing it up to the wrongdoer. It not only works a poison in others, but in the spirit, soul, and body of the unforgiving one.
Forgiveness is thus not a one time decision but a process worked out in the soul, written in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The evidence of forgiveness doing its work is a visible change in the forgiver. What comes out of the heart of the wronged person changes! When you have truly forgiven another, you do not bring it up to them, you don’t bring it up to others, and, most importantly, you don’t bring it up to yourself.
Quite the challenge, but God is able to work it out over time within His own who trust Him. As Paul states in Philippians:
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-1515 NIV
People joke about forgiving but not forgetting, but that is not humorous to God. True surrender to the Lord involves trusting Him to deal with others and the problematic behaviors they do that cause wounds in our life. We can move on from these times of hurt and pain when they are fully surrendered to our Lord. Our first opportunity is to forgive our parents and caregivers for what happened when we were young. Some parents are able to humble themselves, to ask for forgiveness when they offend the precious children God has loaned to them; others are unable to do so.
Here on earth, we are going to have wounds, Jesus said so. These wounds heal us because Jesus’ suffering was for our healing. How do we learn to have God’s forgiving nature of love if we never encounter pain from another? Could anyone have been more unjustly wounded than our Lord Jesus Christ? He asked the Father to forgive His enemies amid excruciating suffering when He hung on the cross. Jesus knew that they meant it for evil, but God had a plan for good that required exactly what transpired.
The persecutors of Jesus surely were not asking Him to forgive them. In fact, they were rejoicing that this leader was no longer a threat to their established religious leadership and traditions. Jesus Christ is our model. There is not one thing we can experience that He has not already gone through. Consider all He suffered, just in His closest relationships. One of His own, Judas, betrayed Him. Many left Him in the latter days of His ministry.
All of Jesus’ disciples, His “best friends,” abandoned Him when He was arrested. And we know He absolutely did nothing to deserve this, and because of it, Jesus Christ made the way for us. He promises to show us specifically what, how, when, and with whom to do what is necessary in carrying out forgiveness.
“For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15-16 Berean
Jesus knows. He gets it! Understanding the process of forgiving someone is distinguishing the difference between forgiveness from consequences of what they’ve done. There may be a range of outcomes following offenses to God and man, regardless of being forgiven. We suffer consequences from our own behavior—from emotional discomfort to loss of love, relationship, trust or esteem. These are up to God and His justice is certain.
God does not change His standards, but He does look at the heart and surely knows when true repentance is there. It’s sad to have someone be forgiven by God while we are still blaming that person! Confusion comes from believing that forgiveness erases consequences. When someone we love wounds us in an unexpected way that violates our foundation of agreement, our written or unwritten contract with them, our trust is damaged. When trust is broken, the wrongdoer can’t just demand the wounded party forgive them or accuse them of unforgiveness when it is the trust that needs time and changes to be restored.
Trust is given in a relationship as we get to know one another’s hearts and begin to rest in their good intentions, despite our many errors and mistakes. When trust has been violated, it has to be earned back, not automatically given or demanded. Trust demanded by the erring partner as “proof” of the other’s forgiveness is a misunderstanding of the healing process required in any relationship rupture.
Forgiveness has been granted but the restoration of trust often takes more time than the offender wants to allow. Offenders sometimes want their guilt and shame to be “wiped out” by evidence that the other person is getting over it rapidly. But needing time and evidence in order to restore trust to the other is not unforgiveness. It is the natural consequence of untrustworthy behavior. God knows the heart condition of those who are saying they need more time to restore the offender into their good graces, but in their hearts are using it as a weapon to punish and control.
When an offender is earning back trust, words and behavior need to match. For example, if a teenager has lied about his or her whereabouts and parents learn of it, they may forgive him but trust is damaged. It is not unforgiveness but most reasonable to expect the young person to be more transparent about their whereabouts for a time. Another example is when someone in a committed relationship has an affair, emotional or physical, with another person. The guilty party asks for forgiveness but also needs to anticipate their partner will need time to check that their actions match their words, as the wounds from betrayal heal.
Relationships are repairable after such violations, but rarely occurs immediately. It is unrealistic, unfair, and even selfish for the offender to accuse their partner of unforgiveness by needing a reasonable period to prove and re-establish trustworthiness. It is a consequence of the betrayal under which the offender needs to bear up while waiting to display evidence over time of true repentance of wrongdoing to be revealed in actions and words. Forgiveness is a heart condition that God works.
Thankfully, we do not get all the consequences we deserve when God forgives us. God sometimes allows natural consequences or even initiates them despite His forgiveness of our sins. His justice and mercy take care of the length and severity of the consequences. Sometimes it is but a brief period, a smaller cost. Other times, the offender may suffer permanent loss. God knows the heart, and to the merciful, He shows mercy.
King David is an excellent example of God’s forgiveness, of how His judgment in mercy is redemptive. David saw Bathsheba, a beautiful married woman bathing on her roof. He wanted her and he was the king, so he had Bathsheba brought to him. She got pregnant by David while her husband Uriah, the Hittite, was away in battle. David was about to be exposed and held accountable.
If you are not familiar with this story, then you may be astounded at the lengths to which David went to carry out this very wrong act and then attempt a “cover-up.” He used deception and trickery with Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband and one of David’s honorable and faithful men of war. He involved Joab, the leader of his army, in setting Uriah up to be killed in the frontline of battle. Somehow, David, this “man after God’s own heart,” lost awareness of God seeing it all.
Below is the account of David’s actions:
“One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof, he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, ‘She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.’
Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (Now she was purifying herself from her monthly uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, ‘I am pregnant.’
So David sent this word to Joab: ‘Send me Uriah the Hittite.’ And Joab sent him to David. When Uriah came to him, David asked him how Joab was, how the soldiers were and how the war was going. Then David said to Uriah, ‘Go down to your house and wash your feet.’ So Uriah left the palace, and a gift from the king was sent after him.
But Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all his master’s servants and did not go down to his house. David was told, ‘Uriah did not go home.’ So he asked Uriah, ‘Haven’t you just come from a military campaign? Why didn’t you go home?’ Uriah said to David, ‘The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my commander Joab and my lord’s men are camped in the open country. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!’
Then David said to him, ‘Stay here one more day, and tomorrow I will send you back.’ So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. At David’s invitation, he ate and drank with him, and David made him drunk. But in the evening Uriah went out to sleep on his mat among his master’s servants; he did not go home.
In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it to Uriah. In it he wrote, ‘Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.’ So while Joab had the city under siege, he put Uriah at a place where he knew the strongest defenders were. When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David’s army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died.
Joab sent David a full account of the battle. He instructed the messenger: ‘When you have finished giving the king this account of the battle, the king’s anger may flare up, and he may ask you, ‘Why did you get so close to the city to fight? Didn’t you know they would shoot arrows from the wall? Who killed Abimelek, son of Jerub-Besheth? Didn’t a woman drop an upper millstone on him from the wall, so that he died in Thebez? Why did you get so close to the wall?’
If he [King David} asks you this, then say to him, ‘Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.’ When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son.
But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” 2 Samuel 11: 1-27 NIV
Time after time, Uriah, the innocent husband, refused to do what David tried to trick him into doing. He was an honorable and committed soldier for King David. David even talked with Uriah face-to-face while knowing he coveted and had bedded Uriah’s wife. David desperately needed Uriah to make love with Bathsheba, to conceal his sinfulness soon to be revealed by Bathsheba’s pregnancy. Bathsheba loved her husband and mourned for him, but she had no say in what King David did.
God then sent Nathan the prophet to deliver a corrective judgment to King David, using a. skill skillful means of convicting David of his sins through Nathan. The prophet used a metaphor to reveal to David just how wrong he was. Nathan is given words to remind David of all that God has done for Him. These words of God from Nathan sound like an earthly parent’s “and after all I’ve done for you!” chastisement to a beloved but transgressing child.
The story continues:
“...he [Nathan] said, ‘there were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms.
Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.’
David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, ‘As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over because he did such a thing and had no pity.’
Then Nathan said to David, ‘You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master’s [Saul’s] house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more.
Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in His eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” Samuel 12: 1-11 NIV.
And here are the consequences that God, through His prophet Nathan, told David would result from David’s sinful, disobedient actions:
“Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own’ This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight.
You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’ Then David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the Lord.’ Nathan replied, ‘The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” 2 Samuel 12: 12-14 NIV
Here is an extremely clear example of God giving the assurance of forgiveness to David’s repentant heart while the consequences of David’s behavior are also assured. All that Nathan spoke of to David actually happened. The baby Bathsheba had conceived died. David’s son slept with one of David’s wives and fought to take over David’s rulership. David had no peace but calamity in his household, bringing much heartache and conflict up to his death. He remained a man of war and was not allowed to build God’s temple.
Is it not amazing that another son, Solomon, born of this unholy union between Bathsheba and David, inherits the throne of David’s kingdom, builds the temple of worship, is greatly blessed by the Lord and is in the lineage of Jesus Christ? Solomon’s kingdom was so great that other rulers came from everywhere to see Solomon’s wealth and splendor. He was given peace, wisdom, and great prosperity, even though he strayed from the Lord when allowing several of his wives to influence him in heathen worship.
Would this outcome be something we would expect in our day from such a union? God is gracious and able to do whatever is part of His purpose, as we see with David and Bathsheba, regardless of man’s opinions or judgment. We do not know about additional consequences in the hearts of David and his family, but his family as well as the people he led as king suffered from his choices. What we do know is that despite this grave sin, David’s calling and God’s promises for David and his household were sustained. God keeps His word, even when we are faithless.
Though Solomon was born to two people who would not have gotten together but for David’s ungodly actions, God chose their son, Solomon, to continue fulfilling His promises to David. God’s promises remain true and faithful regardless of human sin and error. Read how Solomon honored the fulfillment of God’s promises to David when Solom dedicated the temple of God he had ordered to be built:
“While the whole assembly of Israel was standing there, the king turned around and blessed them. Then [Solomon] said: ‘Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who with His hands has fulfilled what He promised with His mouth to my father David…
My father David had it in his heart to build a temple in the Name of the Lord, the God of Israel. But the Lord said to my father David, ‘You did well to have it in your heart to build a temple for my Name. Nevertheless, you are not the one to build the temple, but your son, your own flesh and blood—he is the one who will build the temple for my Name.’
The Lord has kept the promise he made. I have succeeded David my father and now I sit on the throne of Israel, just as the Lord promised, and I have built the temple in the Name of the Lord, the God of Israel. There I have placed the ark, in which is the covenant of the Lord that He made with the people of Israel.’” 2 Chronicles 6:3-5:7-10 NIV
This difference between forgiveness and consequences is critical to understand in our dealings with others as well as with the Lord. Forgiveness is a matter of the heart while consequences are constant and just. God’s perfect heart of the marriage of justice and mercy insures us of this. David’s consequences were more severe because of his position as leader. What David did due the the lust of his flesh was particularly grievous after all God had done for him. David surely knew better. He disgraced his household and his people, yet God does not go back on His promises to David. He fulfills all He has said.
We Christians can be very thankful that God’s mercy provides an escape from all that we might deserve, helping us endure any consequences coming our way. Because God looks at the heart, He knows who is truly repentant or even just caught in a snare. He knows who is willing to allow Him to work an inner change, seeing what each person needs for redemption. His grace covers all, just as wise earthly parents learn that each of their children have individual, even differing requirements to come to true repentance of wrongdoing.
In His mercy and justice, the wrongdoer may not suffer the consequences we think are equal to their behavior. But we, too, can certainly recall many times that we did not get all we deserved for our choices and behavior. God’s own mercy applies just the right amount of consequences needed, not just in the situation but to fulfill God’s purpose and calling for that individual.
This is why some children seemingly live a charmed life, “getting away with murder,” while other children get caught every time. When the children of godly parents complain that their wrong actions are always found out by their parents, we can thank the Lord for it. He exposes things that are dangerous and could bring harm to His children, from the little ones to the old. God reveals many actions that miss the mark, most especially if they are repetitive or put a child in danger.
The calling of the child of Christians has a destiny that differs from those allowed to go their own way. It’s a good thing when your child complains that he or she always gets caught! It is a gift of love that Father God provides to train up our children in the way they are supposed to go, according to His plan. Just so, the earlier promises God spoke to David, through Samual the prophet, came to be. All are completely fulfilled by David’s descendant, Solomon, and eventually, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Here is what Samuel said when David was anointed to be King:
“The Lord declares to you that the Lord himself will establish a house for you: When your days are over and you rest with your ancestors, I will raise up your offspring to succeed you, your own flesh and blood, and I will establish his kingdom.
He is the one who will build a house for my Name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands.
But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul, whom I removed from before you. Your house and your kingdom will endure forever before me; your throne will be established forever.” 2 Samuel 7:11-16 NASB
David remains a distinct example of forgiveness and consequences. God is faithful to keep His word, even when needing to discipline a powerful king for his wrongdoing. Separating forgiveness in our hearts from necessary or inevitable consequences also keeps us from enabling or rescuing others from the results of their own choices. When we rescue or enable by excusing rather than addressing wrong behavior, we get in the way of what God would teach others. We are then robbing others, including our own children, of what they need to learn.
Such misconceptions about forgiveness may create situations where the offender repeats harmful behaviors, while the Christian partner continually forgives without consequences. Even Christian leaders make this error in advising their followers. The law against separation and divorce is held higher than mercy and justice, even safety for those endangered by a spouse or family member. This benefits neither the offender nor the one offended.
Even our Lord has boundaries, limits that He sets beyond which we are not allowed to go. It’s healthy to have boundaries in our relationships. Yes, there are times when a parent’s loving heart grieves with their child while administering discipline that results in loss. God also grieves for what He has to allow when we, His erring children, just don’t seem to get the message.While our Lord is always the same, yesterday, today, and forever, He does not treat us all the same in every circumstance. He knows what is needed to fulfill His calling in each of us.
Hallelujah, He is always just and always merciful! We can absolutely trust and rely upon what He has already done, reconciling us and our ways to Himself. Forgiveness may be a challenge for us but it is easy for our tenderhearted, loving, and just God! His compassions never fail. The intent of God’s heart is always to fully and completely be in relationship with us, to share His great love. He will have compassion and mercy on our suffering.
Jesus quotes from Hosea, the prophet when He states to the Jews of His time:
“But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:13 KJV
There is not one of us, including His called and chosen, who is not a sinner, falling short of God’s standards. God loves us, so He disciplines us:
“For the Lord disciplines and corrects those whom He loves, and He punishes every son [or daughter] whom He receives and welcomes to His heart...
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebrews 12: 6;11-13 NASB
Oh, how the last part of this scriptural passage leaps out: “Do you mean, Lord, that I can go through these trials over and over if I do not learn to be right(eous), to be trained by them?” We do learn from discipline if we accept the training that the discipline of God brings. Most of us quickly pray to learn our lessons! Sometimes we do learn; other times we may “go around the mountain again.”
In any adversity, an important question to ask and seek God for understanding is: “What are you trying to teach me? What lesson do I need to learn in this?” God is very efficient, never wasting any of our experiences, always desiring for us to learn from what He allows in our lives. Is this not redemptive justice—justice that redeems us from our sinful ways and attitudes developing in our hearts?
He uses our life experiences to correct and deliver us whenever we are caught in the snares of “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.” God knows the history and wounds of each of us, intervening in a precise way, like a diamond cutter knows just where to cut. That is quite different from our clumsy human interventions. We may “saw away” at another person’s flesh, bludgeoning them with angry words of condemnation or even using scripture as a weapon. These actions may feel justified by the person as well intended, to help the other, but such treatment rarely creates a redemptive heart change.
Instead, such human behavior creates discouragement or resentment. And we sure don’t enjoy it when someone decides to get their religious sword out and saw away at us! We can rail at satan, the enemy of our souls who rules the earth, as troubles in this life surely come. After we have passed the test of the troubles we are in, life will provide more and God will continue to use them for our growth in Him. We may wish it were not true, but nothing trains us quite like the pain of adversity. Mistakes do equal learning, creating mature godly characters written in our hearts.
So, what are we to do with these things?
“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their fathers? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all…
therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” Hebrews 12:7;12 NIV
Words from our Heavenly Father pierce us to accept God’s dealings as meant for our good. Always redemptive, always ready to forgive is our merciful and just God! And He is both our example and our source of this much-needed quality of godly life.