United by God

Our Lord addresses many issues in His word concerning intimate relationships between men and women. He knew we’d have challenges living with each other. Everyone does, regardless of culture, beliefs, or even gender. We are created in His image and likeness, male and female, and we are one in Christ Jesus. We all are made to desire being loved. God knows this and He made us this way!

Without wisdom, many confuse love with sexual attraction but there is so much more to the quality of love that God intends for couples. God is a great Counselor during difficult times. We may cry out, “But Lord, it’s so hard. S/he is not doing what You said…”. Well, yes. Who told you it would not be hard on our flesh to do what God asks of us, to be willing to do His will, in His way and time? When God calls two to become one in Him, the joining process takes time and commitment.

Family life is so important that people create families around them when they do not have their own. With the great variety of families today, the two-parent family is no longer the majority. There are thousands of single parents, often not of their own choosing. Both fathers and mothers find themseles raising children alone, for various reasons, while having to work. Many families are unable to provide for their family needs if only one parent is working.

Some of us have callings, “gifts differing” that lead us to work. Some speak critically out of disrespect, judgment or envy when they do not recognize the Lord’s calling on another, male or female. We can choose to be empathic rather than critical with others whose partnerships and calllings differ from our own. God is not a “cookie cutter” God who has created us all to travel the same path. No one has the ideal family, and God has it all covered!

Why is it that when we have different paths, it seems to threaten our own choices? We judge by outward appearance and hold up one standard of how things should be with women and men. But not everyone has the same array of choices due to income and opportunities. Many women who must work have hearts that yearn to be with their children rather than at work, grieving lost opportunities while their children are growing up. The exhaustion from work and other home responsibilities also robs their time off with their children.

Professional women called to careers have similar challenges. Finding a balance in work and home is difficult for those in ministry as well. How is it we think we know what others should do when we do not know their circumstances or how God is dealing with them in their lives? God desires us to treat others as we would like to be treated, whether it is returned or not. We need not criticize and judge others who serve the same God though their paths differ from ours. God takes care of it all.

As we further explore God’s standards for Christian marriages, He reveals just what we, male or female, may find hardest to do in our relationships with our spouses. God speaks directly to husbands who may have difficulty in loving and understanding their wives as God intends:

“In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman.

Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.” 1 Peter 3:7 Amplified

This is so important to the Lord that prayers are hindered when husbands do not fulfill this directive from Him. How many wives long for their husbands to really understand them?! God comforts and strengthens the hearts of those who are longing for love. So very many women and men truly do “look for love in all the wrong places.” In God’s kingdom, however, husbands are to commit to having understanding, love and respect for their wives as sisters in Christ, fellow heirs in God’s kingdom.

Intimate relationships are not easy, thus the many jokes about it! One such attempt at humor is a book entitled something like “What I Know About Women” that is blank inside! But no Christian husband needs to be in this situation. We all have the best Counselor in the world to teach us. The God of all wisdom is living inside us. None of us need to live with our spouse without understanding:

“The beginning of wisdom is: Get [skillful and godly] wisdom [it is preeminent]!

And with all your acquiring, get understanding [actively seek spiritual discernment, mature comprehension, and logical interpretation].” Proverbs 4:7 Amplified

Spiritual understanding, discernment, is available to us, living within us. We are learning to understand God and His ways. He is able to equip us with wisdom in all that He directs, including what He tells us about husbands and wives. He covers us both! Men and women can be mysterious creatures to each other, but not to God. Who but the Creator understands us? It takes time and patience to really understand one another, let alone be united. When Christian husbands follow the above directive, great gentleness and tact improve their understanding of their wives.

God is saying to husbands here: “Be wise about living with your wife. She is not like you and I planned it that way.” Some women object to the phrase, “as the physically weaker vessel,” and it is not necessarily accurate. here are women who just happen to be taller, bigger, stronger —and yes, smarter —than their spouses. I’m sure Paul meant what he said when he said it, especially since the position of women in his culture was very limited. Whatever the intent, it certainly should not be used to religiously define or contral all women. There’s much more variety and differences among individual women beyond male and female differences. T

Stereotypes do limit our understanding but God is not limited in that way. Females may be seen as “weaker,” in the sense of more tender in emotions, a beautiful characteristic needed in this world, especially in mothers. But we all know couples where the woman is the tough one, while the man is tenderhearted, more easily showing emotions than the male stereotype would allow. There are differences in the male and female nature in the animal kingdom. While male mammals vary greatly in their raising of young, mammal mamas lovingly raise their young and fiercely protect them, thus the “mamma bear” description of protective mothers.

This does not have to be interpreted as derogatory, meaning that women are “so emotional,” though this scripture has been used to demean and disqualify women of faith, particularly women in positions of authority. God has no part of gender stereotyping that discounts females or devalues female competence and strength. There were women of honor all through the Old Testament, including several in the lineage of Jesus. Female leaders were mentioned by Paul in the early church. There have always been gender differences along with individual, cultural, societal and many other factors that influence who we are created to be.

Many variables go into our unique personalities because we are all very carefully knit together in our mother’s wombs by God Himself. God’s woman in Proverbs 31 reveals a busy woman of many talents, taking care of family and conducting business with her husband’s support and approval.

“A wife of noble character, who can find? She is far more precious than rubies. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he lacks nothing of value. She brings him good and does not harm all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She rises while it is still night to provide food for her household and portions for her maidservants.

She appraises a field and buys it; from her earnings, she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength and shows that her arms are strong. She sees that her gain is good, and her lamp is not extinguished at night.

She stretches out her hands to the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for they are all clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known at the city gate, where he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchants. Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the days to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband praises her as well: ‘Many daughters have done noble things, but you surpass them all!’

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her at the gates.” Proverbs 31:10-31 Berean

Here is a woman who does it all, with the most praiseworthy being her fear of the Lord and her godly, wise character. Outward appearance is not held up as the ideal—she is not praised for her outward appearance, great figure, or beauty. She is not told to stay out of commerce, to leave business to her husband. Instead, her husband and children bless and praise her for her wisdom and her work on their behalf, seeing these as noble aspects of here character to be respected. Her husband is proud of her and all of her accomplishments, including business dealings that prosper the household.

The ideal wife of Proverbs 31 makes decisions and handles what her labors have earned. This is not a woman who does all the work while her husband takes the credit and the benefits. She is publicly honored and praised for what she accomplishes at the gates of the city where men of stature gather. She is a prosperous woman with many talents that are flourishing, bringing blessings to all around her. One wonders if those who are convinced all women should stay in the home ever read these passages, let alone have any understanding of the multitudes unable to do so lest their families suffer lack.

There are so many differences in our character and stature, a wonderful variety of people on this earth. There are women who are the tough ones—and may need to be—in contrast to their more tender-hearted husbands. Mothers are designed to strongly and fiercely defend our young, surely a survival instinct given to mothers in nature as well. Everyone knows not to get between a mama bear and her babies!

Women often have very tender hearts, more easily touched—and wounded— than the hearts of many men.That’s why there are so many stereotypical jokes about males and females. We may even laugh when we recognize ourselves in these situations, as long as it is respectful. Teasing is good as long as there’s no underlying guile, the “zinger” in the humor. Laughing together provides an opportunity to compare and contrast with other people and marriages, to realize relationship struggles show similar themes.

But humor also leads to over-generalizations and blind spots in the truly internationally held gender stereotypes that do injustice and disrespect to both genders. Women are still limited, controlled, and oppressed by males in authority in many countries. This is also true in many areas in our own country as well, not infrequently justified and promoted because of religious standards, traditions and laws. Men’s nurturing qualities are devalued and see as emasculating.

Generations have held women responsible for men’s lust, controlling their dress, activities, and behavior as the Taliban does now. This is so pervasive that women who are sexually assaulted struggle not to blame themselves. When such cases go to court, the very defense of the perpetrator focuses on the character of the woman rather than the man’s decision to assault her. When the stereotype is about the “emotional, irrational, incompetent female,” it does grave injustice to all the competent highly skilled women at work and in the home, all called to differing paths of leadership based on the gifts God has granted them.

Husbands may appear to fare better in such gender prejudices but that is also untrue. When the stereotype is about the “sloppy, forgetful and incompetent husband” of many a former family sitcom, it does not fit with husbands who develop patience and tolerance by being more organized, neat, practical, and efficient in the home than their wives are. In the 50’s it was “Father Knows Best,” but after that, society, as represented by social media, completely flipped. Men are portrayed as clueless, incompetent, and lacking familial wisdom their wives display

There’s no true wisdom or balance in society and the tendency to overcorrect extremes is evident.
Let us recall that all are made in the image of God:

“This is the book of the generations of Adam. On the day that God created man, He made him in His own likeness. Male and female He created them, and He blessed them.

And in the day they were created, He called them ‘man’. Genesis 5:2 Berean

We were first created in the same body, united as one being called “man,” in the likeness of God Himself. When God saw that Adam was lonely, He separated His creation into male and female bodies, making “womb-man” or woman. You can count on Adam especially delighting in how Eve was different. He needed a helpmeet, the foundational purpose of marriage. We all need companionship and help and God prepared for that.

God is the “Master Joiner,” the best one to choose whom we will love and create a home to be with and enjoy life together. Our own hearts can be most deceitful when doing our own choosing. When we ask our heavenly Father to choose our spouse, waiting upon Him to do it, our marital prospects for a blessed future increase. It also helps if others are praying for wise choices to be made when the time comes.

This does not mean there will not be challenges and issues. Some “meant-to-be” Christian relationships will also fail. But when God puts two together, this is the lasting relationship that ideally is never to be severed. Even when God does the joining by His choice for us, sustaining our union together, we still have moments of bafflement or discord, finding ourselves reminding God that this person was His idea for us!

“…and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”…Mark 10:8-9 Berean

The Concordant Literal New Testament puts it this way:

“…and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Mark 10:89 Concordant Literal

Here is the foundation: God puts us together. Some people in relationships were not put together by God. They did not ask God nor follow the leading of the holy spirit in their choices. Their intimate relationships are not based upon God’s joining by the spirit. Other factors were more important in drawing them together. We are directed not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but two Christians can also be unequally yoked. Just because a married couple sits beside each other in church does not mean they are equally yoked in God.

There are couples where one is a nominal Christian who attends church occasionally out of duty or to please their spouse, with no heart or hunger for spiritual things. Their spouse, meanwhile, is passionately in love with the Lord, totally committed to His ways, walking alone in this commitment to God. Was God leading this marital choice or was there an assumption that because both are Christians, it must be His idea and plan?

When we deeply love another who is not God’s choice, it is so very difficult. “Whom God has joined together, let not man put asunder,” (Matthew 19:6) underscores that it is God’s job to join us together in Him. These are the relationships that are sustained and should be, between Christians in marriage. Other relationships reveal the lack of shared spiritual foundation, lasting for a time or a season before God causes one or the other to change direction or just fade away.

In these matters, God is more merciful than Christians who make not divorcing one of the top commandments for believers. Jesus said it is not ideal but stated that it keeps happening due to the hardness of our hearts. When our hearts are soft to be teachable within, the person in some marriages that are actually “prison houses” may hear God’s directive to leave. As the scripture states, He is able release us from unbelieving partners if she or he leaves. God forgives us our errors, including marriages made in foolishness, youth, or other unwise reasons not ordained by God.

What wounds we add to others when we think we know what someone else should do and how they have missed God according to our rules! We also do not know His long-term purpose for a currently troubled marital situation, where some prescribe divorce as the answer. What is God’s will in the matter? He may turn these things for good, for future change when we stay.

”But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” 1 Corinthians 7:15 KJV

Outside those in relationships, we assume or judge those who end up divorced. But we can’t know the heart of either by outward appearance, despite the gossip and speculation that arises. We know so little about our Christian friends and neighbors within their own households. How can we really know what led a devout Christian to separate or divorce? Out of respect for their former spouse and protection of their children, some do not speak of the issues that led to the divorce. This is a covering of sin rather than exposing for all to see and causing further harm, particularly to the children.

Unless God reveals the core of the matter to us for purposes of intercession, we need to guard our tongues from uninformed opinions. No Christian plans to marry with divorce in mind. Judgment from Christian brothers and sisters only adds to their loss and grief as they go through becoming divorced. It is His business to put together and take apart, each in His planned season. This is another “law vs. heart” matter where the judged Christian chooses not to share the shameful or painful reasons that led to this decision.

Many of us who end up divorced were young in either age or faith, not serving or being led by God. Some couples who divorce were not put together by God in the first place. It’s truth, though resisted by those who insist that Christians should follow the law of never divorcing. Of course, it is not ideal, but Jesus said it has been allowed since Moses’ day because of the “hardness of the heart.” Painful circumstances and behaviors harm one or the other, betrayals occur, difficulties become unsurmountable, destroying peace and love in the home.

Children suffer from divorce, but many also suffer from unhappy, even violent relationships between their parents. Who are we, really, to decide from the outside what another is directed to do by God? There is nothing we do that is beyond the love and forgiveness of God, including marrying outside of His will or divorcing when it becomes impossible to reconcile. When we are led by the spirit, that higher “law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus,” God, in His mercy, ends some relationships that are harmful or never should have happened.

Alternately, God is surely able to sustain the obedient, believing partner while He does His work on the other. Nothing is impossible with God, but change happens more rapidly with two willing hearts to address problems. Submission to the Lord can hold one in place while the other’s heart is changed. God knows all hearts, which relationships have a good foundation or not, what situations and partners will change. God also grants patience and love to those Christians in relationships where change is so very long in coming. Then we recall that all things work together for our good when we love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.

There are times when God releases a believer from a painful or even dead marital union, for His calling and purpose in their lives. In His mercy, God forgives wrong choices in marriage, but some Christians seem to forgive murder easier than divorce! Does a divorcing believer need to announce such reasons as infidelity and other deep betrayals so others will know she or he is in the right? Or is it more respectful—and godly—to withstand the judgment of others than to make those reasons public?

When we choose wrongly due to immaturity, impatience, surface attraction, or other factors, and the relationship cannot be sustained, God is always able to do repair work. He is not caught by surprise by our choices in life. God can change any heart! But it’s better to be obedient first than risk the potential sacrifices later should that change never happen. Fortunately, some choices we thought were our own turn out to be God’s hand in our lives, whether we knew that at the time or not.

God always has His hand on people, some of whom have no clue He is there! Many have faithful intercessors, including parents and grandparents, who have been asking God to make this most critical choice for their loved ones who are seeking a spouse. God does answer prayer, for this choice and for any challenges that follow it. Loving intercessors also are a wonderful support for any couple going through troubled times. When fellowships judge someone who is divorced as unworthy of serving God among them, it adds further wounds. These are all fleshly ideas coming from the world, not the Lord.

So what is the answer? Being equally yoked by God’s spirit is God’s best, His ideal for marriages. When God chooses the partner, we are yoked together in Him with His best choice for us. Not the perfect person, but the perfect person for us! God’s perfect person has the key qualities we need in a helpmeet to walk together with Him in this life. Our joining in Him keeps us tethered when the union is strained—that three-fold cord that is not easily broken.That does not mean the qualities we need to balance us out in this life are always appreciated! Sometimes these are the very qualities that rub us the wrong way as we live together, until God changes our viewpoint to think and consider like He does.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 ESV

Some Christians find it easier to focus on what is excellent and worthy of praise than others, but if God said it, we can all do it. Setting our will to focus on these qualities more than the fault or lack in our spouses enhances our love and appreciation of each other. Praying and thanking God over a list of good qualities when it’s become difficult to appreciate the spouse changes our viewpoint to what is good, the strengths our partner brings.

These are often the flip side of some of the qualities that occasionally annoy us. Is our partner being sensitive or too emotional? Structured or controlling? Spontaneous or unreliable? Laid back or lazy? Same characteristics, but the first is a positive way to understand that particular quality and appreciate it in our lives. Consider how we benefit from the differences to make us a stronger union. A laid-back (not lazy) partner is good for one that is passionate (not driven). The practical, common-sense partner balances out the imaginative dreamer. God helps us change our viewpoints!

God is in charge of the destiny of His creation, who is the right one for us, choosing more varied paths for people than we realize. Our uniqueness is a beautiful thing, showing forth God’s creative genius. God’s best for His own precious sons and daughters in lasting relationships is to be put together, joined, united in God. Many of us pray for years that God will make us one as He promises is possible, at some times praying more passionately than others!

Some differences between couples are more difficult to bear than others. These are the areas that require negotiation, compromise, and acceptance as we draw upon God’s love and wisdom in the relationship. God teaches what is hard-wired in our patterns and what is able to change through God’s intervention. In fact, this is the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer! Change what we can (ourselves), accept what we cannot change (others) and have the wisdom to know the difference.

God is more than able to let us know what is a permanent aspect of our spouse’s nature—and it is likely the part that will cause the most spiritual growth over time. What rarely works is setting out to change our partner ourselves, rather than allowing the holy spirit to do so. Most of us are willing to change but rarely does anyone appreciate someone trying to make them do so! Instead, God refines us, our fleshly ways, and our ability to grant forgiveness and mercy when that spouse of ours is being difficult.

We learn to cover our spouses in love, not rehearsing them to ourselves, reporting them others or even to mentioning them at all. What a discipine that is! We learn to guard against words that cause division, generating lasting conflict, along with bitterness so apparent in many marriages. We also use our good sense of humor from Father God to ease the friction that may arise. Our life partners are a blessing as well as an instrument of spiritual growth.

God is very efficient in bringing an end to our fleshly ways, using our most intimate partner in life to refine and change us:

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 Berean

While this is not specific to marriage, it certainly applies! We do get sharpened and refined, as we live with our spouses and “rub” against each other. Yes, there is friction, but when submitted to God, rather than getting out our own “knives” to use on each other, the inner qualities of God in marital unions grow. Some of our spouses might even say that living with us has definitely made them more godly!

Agape love brings the oil of forgiveness and peace, making things go more smoothly. God’s words to husbands and wives, which we are exploring here, are the foundation of marital life for Christians, but generalizations about what a marriage should be that are not based upon God’s design are just human opinions. There are many patterns of happy marital unions in God’s kingdom, some of which would not appeal to everyone, but the Lord as the foundation makes it work.

Some unions start out more compatible, while others less so. Part of marital growth and compatibility is learning to blend what each partner brings rather than insisting that our partner be more like “us…our parent…society’s ideal…our friend or neighbor’s spouse.. images in society…or whoever.” It is impossible to talk about everything beforehand that arises in living together. Marriage equals growth, but some are surprised that growth is required along with love and acceptance.

Each spouse has some things we bring into relationships that we believe to be the right way to do things, big and small. Often we don’t even realize we have these assumptions going on underneath until they show up as conflict. There are jokes about the small things like how the toothpaste tube is to be squeezed or other habits as well as those larger issues such as patterns of communication, who does what work needed for home and family, expectations around celebrations and holidays, expressions of love and affection, and many many other important areas.

When unexplored “shoulds” are applied in a Christian marriage, these do damage. Whether they come from others or show up in marriages because of learned spousal or gender roles, they divide and conquer rather than unite and connect in love. God’s wisdom and understanding is available to guide and direct us to live in increasing compatibility, accepting each other’s differences as gifts rather than irritants.

We learn through God to enjoy and appreciate each other and the incredible richness of human life together. We surely cannot rely on man’s wisdom or advice, even when some say it is “just common sense.” Common sense says “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” while also saying “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Neither is absolute or godly wisdom. God’s wisdom is the only thing we can count on, and being led by the holy spirit is the primary path to contentment and joy.

Our Lord created us for relationships, intending that we would enjoy our relationship with Him and with each other. The spouse who is able to love their partner and enjoy being with them more than with any other has been given a great gift, indeed! God is love, and He is the expert on marital love as well as every other kind of love required to grow up into in Him. He has all our differences in background, childhood, values, habits, family traditions, and beliefs covered.

God knows the need and lack in our partner than we can fulfil. We need not allow our focus to be pulled to those differences and away from God. It’s human nature to focus on what’s wrong more than what’s right, but we are not of the flesh, but of the spirit when Christ is dwelling within. If in doubt of the human addiction to bad news, check it out. Though there are the occasional “feel-good” stories included these days, it’s not typically the good news that makes the headlines. What sells the news in any format is the bad news. But this is not God’s way:

“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peace-loving, gentle, accommodating, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere.

Peacemakers who sow in peace reap the fruit of righteousness.” James 3:17-18 Berean

His wisdom applied in marriages is at first pure. Pure wisdom is without guile, selfish motives, or intent to manipulate. That takes a mature Christian! There is no hidden intent or "game-playing” behavior found in honest hearts seeking to be joined in Him. His wisdom growing within us always has the heart intent of peace, being gentle and accommodating. We are not to be peacemakers in the world alone, but peacemakers created by God to live with our spouses in unity.

God’s understanding then grows that we may live together in the precious companionship of love, joy, and peace. These qualities of the kingdom of God are nurtured and grow within us in our marriages. When God chooses to put together partners whose personalities and habits are similar, understanding may evolve more easily over time. Such couples are best friends right away, often with fewer conflicts than when God puts opposites together.

God knows who we need, whether it is someone much like ourselves or more in the “opposites attract” category of relationships. God even has us covered when we did not surrender to His choosing in a life partner. Whether God is in charge of a couple’s choices or not, there are times when lack of understanding brings discord, overwhelming one or the other spouse. That’s why it’s recommended for Christians to share a faith in God.

The Holy Spirit is the “tie that binds,” our strongest commonality in union with another:

“And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12 KJV

The Concordant Literal provides a more clear visual picture of God’s plan for unity, particularly in expanding this passage:

“Two are better than one because there is better reward for them in their toil. For, if they fall, one can raise up his partner; But woe to him when there is no second person to raise him up.

Also, if two lie together, it is warm for them, yet for one, how can he keep warm? And if somebody can overpower him who is single, then two can stand firm in front of him who attacks.

A threefold thread cannot quickly be pulled apart.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Concordant Literal

A literal three-fold cord isn’t easy to pull apart—try it! For Christians united in marriage by God, our three-fold thread is each partner and Jesus Christ. God has compassion for those who do not have someone to “raise them up and keep them warm, to stand firm with them when under attack.” But is this not an awesome description of a godly partnership? When God puts two people together as His choice for both, this union cannot be quickly pulled apart, divided to separate emotionally, despite what comes.

These “man-woman-Jesus Christ” unions are those that God Himself has put together. It is like gold to find “the one” God has prepared for you, regardless of what either of you have gone through before. It doesn’t even matter what you think specifically brought the two of you together when the foundation is in God. He is that sure foundation. We all need someone to lift us up and keep us warm, stand with us when we are under attack from the enemy of our souls.

Due to life circumstances, such as the death of a spouse or one who is left not of their own choosing, God is able to repair the wounds and often provides another companion for such believers. Godly husbands can still anticipate having some challenges in loving their wives, especially when she is falling short of what he wants and expects of her. They may have murmurs and complaints, even frustration and bitterness, asking God “When is this woman going to listen to me? How many times do I have to say..? Doesn’t she respect me?” When such thoughts are allowed to be planted in the heart or spoken out loud, there’s danger ahead.

It is all too easy to have a root of bitterness springing up within. God warns against this “harbored hurt”:

“Husbands, love your wives [with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them] and do not be embittered or resentful toward them [because of the responsibilities of marriage].” Colossians 3:19 Amplified

God would not have had Paul say this if it was not a common issue. As someone said, “Get better, not bitter.” Bitterness is truly an awful poison, ruining many relationships, and not just in marriages. Husbands are cautioned to keep their hearts clean toward their wives. These scriptures not only speak to the husband of his requirement to love his wife, but to respect that she is equal to him as God’s heir. Think of it! He is to let go of the issues that arise with his imperfect wife and look to God to give him what he needs as a husband to endure it, and hopefully, to enjoy her as the marvelous creature God meant specifically for him.

Women often try to make their husbands love them, but that job is only for God. Love that is demanded is not godly love. We might persuade a man, force or control him to act like he loves us, demand to be treated in certain ways, becoming angry or punishing when he falls short, but it will never satisfy our hearts. A wise woman waits on the Lord to work the love she needs into her husband’s heart, meanwhile drawing from the love of the Lord. How long it takes many of us to “wise up.”

God is the changer of hearts, unifier of flesh and blood into One in Him. Love is the strongest changer of hearts and He is love. We then pray most sincerely to God that our spouse be changed more into His likeness and image, in accord with God’s principles of love and respect in marriages. The challenge then is to learn to leave it with Him! We can influence our partner by our behavior but the response is theirs and God’s. Our focus must be on our own hearts, and what God wants changed in us.

There is no need to assign blame, which is quite different from responsibility. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices. Blame takes it further, judging the person, their character and intent as bad, accomplishing nothing to solve the issues present. Some of the reactions we get when trying to force our partner to be different are due to inept and even hurtful attitudes revealed in our behavior towards them.

Though our partners may actually want and desire to change, no one enjoys being controlled by angry, withdrawing or punitive behavior. No one should impose their human ideas of what their spouse should be. As godly men and women, we seek to learn and apply what mutual submission in love means. God has the blueprint that will fit each one of us. Paul says to submit “as unto the Lord.”

Do we submit to the Lord out of gladness and delight or out of fear of judgment and chastisement? It’s clear which God prefers. God is not satisfied with outward behaviors, an appearance of submitting to Him. He is after our hearts! God desires a full heart submission, with love and awe for our Maker and, as a result, for each other. “Submission” in Christian relationships is challenging to even bring up as it has been so misused by both men and women.

There is wisdom to be gleaned with a spiritual understanding of God’s meaning. Peter warns wives not to use words, including scripture, to persuade or judge:

“Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” 1 Peter 3:1

However you understand Paul’s directive for today, understand this: Paul spoke to Christian wives to submit themselves, just as He directed husbands to love their wives. Nowhere does it state that husbands are to make them do so, let alone that every man is to force every woman in fellowship or elsewhere to obey males in general. It does not say so! The husband is not to demand the wife submit, but to wait on the Lord for God to work this in her heart. This takes longer than husbands want it to as well!

Sometimes we do need to learn to “shut up,” as women are known to use more words than men in many situations and relationships. This is a hard, hard lesson for those of us who love to talk—and even make a career of it! The truth that many fellowships deny is that Christian women are not required in the word of God to submit to all male authority, regardless of men applying it this way for their own gain. These Christian males take a distinctly different attitude towards women than Jesus did. Jesus spoke and demonstrated far more about serving each other in love than dominating another because of one’s gender.

When we serve each other in love, what we do outwardly may look the same, but the thought and intent of the heart is to bless and please the one we love. If I love to wait on my husband at times though he does not demand it or if my husband loves to treat me like a queen though I do not expect it, is this not honoring to the Lord? It’s our business, not a law someone else and their expectations puts on us to rob us of our spiritual freedon.

In contrast, is it honoring to God for wives to “submit” with a heart of resentment and bitterness or out of fear of anger and blame? Gifts are freely given, and love makes no demands. God does not demand love, He freely gives it. Submission is first to God, our Lord and Master. Is it God’s way for husbands to demand that their wives submit instead of leaving this heart work to God? Is it the Lord who is causing wives to shame and blame their husbands for their lack of love?

God could demand that we all love and submit to Him, but He did not. He loves the heart that loves Him willingly and draws us all through His nature of love. There are limits and God surely has discipline for us, but the motive is always for our good. Would God have us use any scripture to justify or excuse wanting one’s own way at the expense of another? Is our Lord pleased when we use His word as a weapon of control, to expect to be be waited on and served, to demand having things our way?

This is selfishness and pride, not God’s character at all. Jesus Christ came to serve and we are to serve each other in marriage. There is no one pattern because there are differing challenges. Flesh makes laws about things that only God can accomplish within us. Each partner may have strengths in dealing with aspects of marital and family life that complement their partner who is not strong or gifted in that area. These may sharply differ from the division of roles and responsibiilities we grew up witnessing with our parents. We are different, times change, and so do marriages.

Some women are married to unbelieving husbands, bringing particular issues to the marriage. It can be difficult for unbelieving husbands to accept their wives’ love and time for the Lord more than for them. It is also challenging for the believing wife to refrain from pushing God onto their husbands. An amusing cartoon about this is entitled “Joe felt led to go to church,” with a picture of Joe being dragged there by his wife. We laugh partly because it may hit near the truth!

Let’s revisit Peter’s controversial directive about wives submitting to their husbands, considering the context of this submission directive:

“ Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.

For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God.

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.” 1 Peter 2:13-22 NIV

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:1-9 NIV

Peter addresses all the ways we can demonstrate love, honor, and submission to the Lord, becoming like Him and bringing His grace into every situation. He states that we’re all required to submit to others, including those over us in authority, regardless of how they are handling themselves. We may suffer unjustly and unfairly, as Jesus did, and God honors that. Wives and husbands may do “it”, this submission that demonstrates the character of the Lord, in differing ways according to each one’s needs.

In other words, every believer is required to learn submission to others, not for their sake or position in marriage, but as unto the Lord. And He rewards us with more of His character for His glory. We are all to to bless and serve one another, each of us in our calling in order to enjoy our blessings. Given these passages, where is truth in separating out the woman to submit to her husband, while ignoring the much larger message Peter has for God’s own?

What Peter says about not using words applies to others also, not just wives. Many words can be a torment to the one desiring to live in peace. Articulate godly men and women who are publicly used in speaking to others, such as ministers and teachers, will learn not to use what works publicly in the same way at home. More than one family of a preacher or spiritual leader becomes weary of getting “preached at.” Children of teachers or counselors do not enjoy becoming their parents’ student or counselee. Just because we can, we do not have to speak all we know.

The roadmap of the submit/love balance remains true in His word, but needs to be understood by the spirit, applied in a far different way than the history of its use in religion. Women have and continue to suffer much disrespect and abuse in religious circles. Some blame all women for Eve’s deception, for causing sexual immorality, considered less than, even viewed as servants to men. How can this possibly fit with the heart of God, Who is love and mercy, truth and justice?

This is motivated by self rather than love, stemming from fear and lack of trust, not godly love.There’s a balance here, with Paul talking about husbands loving their wives immediately following this directive to wives to submit themselves. It’s easy to submit ourselves to someone who loves and understands us, who is laying down their lives for us as Christ did for the church. It is not God’s character that insists gender and marital roles be a certain way to be Christian.

When husbands try to make their wives submit, particularly through anger and control, it works no better than wives who try to make their husbands love them. Paul also speaks to children submitting to parents and slaves to their masters, fathers to children. The key is God’s emphasis on the attitude of the heart:

“...not in the way of eye-service [working only when someone is watching you and only] to please men, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart; rendering service with goodwill, as to the Lord, and not [only] to men,” Ephesians 6:6-7 Amplified

The word to fathers and masters speaks clearly about the kind of authority God would have coming from the heart:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord…

You masters, do the same [showing goodwill] toward them, and give up threatening and abusive words, knowing that [He who is] both their true Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with Him [regardless of one’s earthly status].” Ephesians 6:4;9 Amplified

Oh that we could heed this guidance in family relationships, to treat children with tenderness and loving kindness, instead of as “masters to slaves,”,recognizing the limits of their development and wisdom. Husbands and wives model godly behavior—or not—to their children. Without submitting all to God the Father through Jesus Christ and His sacrifice, generational patterns repeat the same harm and wounds.

All of this is training and preparation in serving the Lord from a heart of submission in love, as clearly stated in the following verses:

“In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [draw your strength from Him and be empowered through your union with Him] and in the power of His [boundless] might.

Put on the full armor of God [for His precepts are like the splendid armor of a heavily-armed soldier], so that you may be able to [successfully] stand up against all the schemes and the strategies and the deceits of the devil.” Ephesians 6:10-11 Amplified

Put on all the armor of Go to fight our true enemy, which is not other human beings, but the strongholds of lies, deception, and selfishness that live in the heart of humans. Our enemy, including those things in our spouses, is not flesh and blood, but powerful strongholds in the spiritual realm, working against, dividing, and, yes, testing us in the crucible of intimate family relationships.

Satan loves to divide and stir up strife, using deception to cloud the love we are to have for each other. In a related passage in Colossians 3, Paul emphasizes again:

“…Whatever you do [whatever your task may be], work from the soul [heart] [that is, put in your very best effort], as [something done] for the Lord and not for men, knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [not from men] that you will receive the inheritance which is your [greatest] reward. ” Colossians 3:232-24, Amplified

Yes, everything works for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Allowing God to choose our partner is a great advantage. He knows exactly what each of us need and how to make us one. The best foundation is to be joined spiritually, having similar beliefs and looking to God to refine both our faith and our walk in Him. That does not mean the path will be easy, but being unequally yoked has its own pain and challenges.

In a conversation with a Christian woman years ago, she revealed she was about to get divorced for the third time. She was heartbroken, shamed, guilty, and discouraged, blaming herself and also wondering why God was allowing it to happen again. It was a revelation to her, as a Christian, that she could, and actually needed to ask God to choose her husband! She hadn’t even realized this was God’s heart’s desire to do for her, His beloved daughter. Such an important decision, and yet the God she clearly loved was not at the center of it.

When God does the choosing, it may come as a surprise that He does not rely on the other person calling themselves Christian. God chooses some who do not know the Lord for His beloved believers’ spouses. There are couples whom God has truly put together, while at the moment, one is not a committed believer. God knows when a heart is prepared to receive Him and will work it out.

My parents were married for 56 years, with my father having been a believer since age 11 when he went with his parents to a tent meeting. He and his parents remained faithful servants of God, attending church from that time on, continuing in honor and devotion to God throughout their lives. When my father was a young man of 25 attending a local youth group, God spoke to him about my mother, also in attendance at that youth group. My mother attended the church where the youth group was being held, so she had a nominal faith. God said to my Dad, “She’s the one.” Then my father waited on God for a year or more to be certain.

We didn’t know until a few years after my mother died that my father had been so directed in his youth to marry my mother. It’s amazing that this occurred as my reserved father did not share other examples of being spoken to by God. He remained a steadfast and gentle man of faith, walking in what he knew and obedient to what God expected of him. God honored that by giving my mother to him.

Outwardly seeming to be Christian, my mother actually did not have a personal relationship with God, though she and my father raised us in a Christian home. Because of my father’s godly leadership, we always went to church, prayed at meals, and learned about the Bible, observing my parents living with godly values. My siblings all cherish the memory of my father reading Bible stories to us every night after supper on the farm. It is an incredible gift to have a godly gentle father who exhibits the character traits and values of the Lord.

For that reason, I did not realize growing up that my mother was outwardly conforming but really did not know the Lord. I also did not understand how much my quiet, gentle father’s faith was the foundation of our Christian upbringing. My father surely remained steadfast, never spoke of her as an unbeliever, waiting many years until my mother came to know Jesus Christ personally. She eventually got captured by the Lord during the charismatic movement in the 1970’s and began to change by the spirit. In fact, she changed so much that we adult children noticed it and it influenced us as well.

My parents’ shared values united them through the years, but it was my mother who later went further spiritually, hungering for God, eventually experiencing the baptism of the spirit like her mother had. After my mother was converted, she shared many examples with others of being led of the Lord. Mom was known for her love and wise counsel, her nonjudgmental acceptance of those around her. Many many prayers were said for us, her children, including praying for our spouses. I thank God for the Christian upbringing we all were given and follow to this day. What a blessing that no one told Dad not to marry Mom because of their differing spiritual commitments.

Only what God gives us to say and do will result in the resolution we seek. Peace is not truly peace when it is demanded of a spouse, enforced by fear or control. God’s love makes no demands, as He gave us free will to follow or not. We are on a path to be more and more like our Lord Jesus Christ, whom God sent as His perfect example. He is always with us and faithful to grant wisdom in being united in God to anyone who asks it of Him.

He is inside of us, in spirit, and we can reach out for godly counsel at all times and in all things. We are His. He alone is able to unite us in Him.

“God intended that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.

For in Him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are His offspring.’” Acts 17:27-28 Berean